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gripe·4 min read

Why I Can't Stop Thinking About That One Conversation From 2019

You know the one. You said something slightly weird and the other person just... moved on. But you haven't. Five years later, 2am, there it is again.

It wasn't even a big deal. That's the worst part. Nobody got hurt. Nobody cried. The conversation ended and life continued and the other person has almost certainly forgotten it entirely. But your brain — your beautiful, exhausting, relentless brain — has filed it under 'unresolved' and refuses to let it go.

I've started calling these 'brain receipts.' Little slips of paper your mind keeps in a drawer somewhere, just in case you ever need to revisit the exact moment you said 'you too' when a waiter told you to enjoy your meal.

The thing is, I don't think this is a flaw. I think it means you care about how you show up in the world. You're running a continuous quality check on yourself, and sometimes the audit turns up a five-year-old invoice.

Still annoying though. Would not recommend. 2am is for sleeping, not for replaying a mildly awkward exchange from a Tuesday in 2019.

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happy·3 min read

The Specific Joy of a Really Good Pen

Not a fancy pen. Not an expensive pen. Just one that writes exactly right — smooth, consistent, never skips. I found one at a gas station and I've been thinking about it ever since.

There's a specific feeling when a pen is just right. The ink flows without pressing hard. The line is clean. It doesn't blob at the start or scratch at the end. It just works, every single time, like it was made for exactly this purpose.

I went back to that gas station. They didn't have more. I've been rationing the one I have like it's the last of something precious, which I suppose it is.

Small joys are underrated. We spend so much time chasing the big stuff — the promotion, the trip, the milestone — that we forget to notice the things that make an ordinary Tuesday feel a little more like it was worth showing up for.

Today it was a pen. Yesterday it was the exact right amount of ice in a drink. Tomorrow, who knows. But I'm paying attention now.

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thought·5 min read

On Saying 'I'm Fine' When You're Clearly Not Fine

It's not even a lie, exactly. It's more like a placeholder. A way of saying 'I don't have the bandwidth to explain this right now, and also I'm not sure you'd get it.'

We've all agreed, collectively, to accept 'I'm fine' as a complete answer. It's a social contract. You ask, I answer, we move on. Nobody actually wants to open the whole thing up in the middle of a Tuesday morning.

But sometimes someone asks and you can tell they actually mean it. They're not just filling silence. They're actually asking. And 'I'm fine' feels wrong in your mouth but you say it anyway because the alternative is a conversation you don't know how to start.

I've been thinking about what it would take to say something true instead. Not a full breakdown. Not a therapy session in the break room. Just something honest. 'Not great, honestly.' 'Kind of a lot right now.' 'I'll tell you about it sometime.'

That last one might be my favorite. It's honest without being heavy. It leaves a door open. It says: I trust you enough to tell you there's something, even if I'm not ready to tell you what.

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gripe·4 min read

Grocery Store Self-Checkout Is a Scam and I Have Proof

They told us it would be faster. They told us it would be easier. They lied. I am now doing the job of a cashier for free and the machine keeps asking me to wait for assistance.

Let me walk you through what happened. I had seven items. Seven. I chose self-checkout because the regular lanes had lines and I am an optimist. This was my first mistake.

Item one: scanned fine. Item two: 'unexpected item in bagging area.' There was no unexpected item. The bagging area was empty. The machine and I stared at each other. I lost.

By item five I had summoned a human employee twice, been accused of theft by a robot, and developed a new theory that self-checkout exists not to help customers but to make us feel grateful for the times when a real person does it.

I will be using the regular lane from now on. I will wait in the line. I will make eye contact with the cashier and say thank you and mean it, because they are doing a job that a machine cannot do without making me feel like a suspect.

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happy·3 min read

A Small List of Things That Made This Week Okay

The week was a lot. But there were a few moments — small, unremarkable to anyone else — that made it survivable. I wrote them down so I wouldn't forget.

The way the light came through the window on Wednesday morning, exactly right, for about four minutes before the clouds moved. I just sat there and let it happen.

A text from an old friend that said nothing important but meant everything. Just checking in. Just thinking of you. Three sentences and I felt less alone for the rest of the day.

The first sip of coffee before it gets complicated. Before the day starts asking things of you. Just the mug and the quiet and the small mercy of a few minutes that belong entirely to you.

That's it. That's the whole list. It's enough.

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Unfiltered

thoughts, gripes, and the occasional happy

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